The couch and I have a special relationship lately

So yesterday I couldn't make it very far from the couch all day.  I started off with every intention of making the kids lunches, getting them off to school, going to work, blah blah blah, well......my body had other plans.  I got up barely, stumbled to the kitchen, made lunches (who knows what I put in there cause I don't remember, hope they liked it), got in the car and drove Melissa to school in my pajamas (so afraid I'll be pulled over one day and the cop will have to see me in my pjs), and then got home and sat on the couch and couldn't move.  In came the paralysis and just like that my day was done.  I had paralysis the day before in the bathtub and thought I was going to have to call my husband to get me out, but thank God my legs started working before the water got freezing cold.  Yesterday was a bust for me.  My short-term memory is also getting really really really bad.  The kids are having fun with it though.  They tell me all sorts of things that I may or may not have said, who knows!  I surely do not remember making lunches or whether or not I gave my Chino his meds, or if I fed the other two dogs.  Craig asks me things and I just look at him like, are you kidding me, you expect me to remember that.  I can't even remember if I peed two minutes ago, so I go again just to be sure.  I'm starting to feel like an invalid.  This blog really does help though.  At least I can get my thoughts out of my head and go back and read them from time to time. 

A good day - spiritually speaking at least

So today was a good day, at least spiritually speaking it was.  My middle daughter, Jenna, was confirmed at our church today.  It was a beautiful service with the Bishop and everything.  All three of my girls served today.  Melissa was a torch in the acolyte procession.  Jenna was confirmed and was a reader for the service.  Smash was chosen to be the Bishop's acolyte and help him out all day.  It was so great to see all three of my girls serving the church and contributing.  As youth minister of the church it is kind of expected at times that my family serve, but I am so proud that my girls willingly serve.  Our family's faith is something that I take great pride in and Craig and I have really worked hard to instill that in our kids.  We want them to serve the Lord openly and worship openly.  We pray as a family at every meal, even in public.  We go to youth group activities regularly, partly because I am the Youth Minister, but also because we just love doing it.  Craig and I are very proud that our church plays such a big role in our kids lives and ours.  Now, don't get me wrong, we are far from a perfect family, and we have times where we don't want to get out of bed to go do anything, church related or not.  It was just such a proud moment for me today to see my girls taking on and starting to form their own faith. I can only pray that the church and our Lord always plays such a big role for them and their families one day.  I grew up in the church, being an acolyte, being in youth group, my dad was president of the vestry, and my step-mom was involved in youth group and choir.  The church was a big part of my life growing up.  I really hope and pray that my kids keep it in their lives and they don't let any "outside" influences dictate how they lead their lives.    My girls make  me a very proud momma.   They even make me proud as their youth minister.  My niece, Alicia, was also confirmed today as well as Emmie and Emma, two more of my youth kids.  Our church and our lives are so blessed with these amazing youth.  They bring life and vivaciousness (is that a word?) to our church.  They light up the room when they all walk in together all chatting and smiling.  I love seeing the youth and all their energy.  It is truly contagious. 
              After the church service and reception we had all planned to go out to lunch to celebrate the girls getting confirmed, but my body had other plans.  I was so worn out and exhausted that there was no way I was going to make it to lunch.   I didn't even know if I was going to drive home safely, let alone go out to lunch.  I wore my surgical mask to church again today, keeping all the bad germs away.  I get the sympathetic "Awww hope you get better soon" and the "we're praying for you" comments all the time.  I am really blessed that so many people care about what is happening with my Lyme disease.  I have to stop sometimes and remind myself that they all mean well and truly care about me.  I know there are many out there that don't have that kind of support and I am feel for them.  It takes a lot of prayers and a lot of support to deal with a disease like this.  It is such a lonely disease.  On the outside (other than my surgical  mask) I look fine, like there is nothing wrong with me, but on the inside my joints are aching, my mind is foggy, my hands are tingling, my legs feel like they could give out at any moment, and my stomach is all nauseous all the time.  It's like I'm screaming on the inside and smiling on the outside.  Weird....I know.  So with all the blessing of the day and the bad, I chose to look at the good.  I will ignore the bad as long as possible, which is about ten minutes cause I really need a nap.  I felt really bad that I couldn't go to lunch with my family, but I knew if I did then I'd have to have someone drive me home.  Anyhow, congrats Jenna, Alicia, Emmie, and Emma on your confirmations today.  I will be thinking of you guys as I take another pain pill and take a nap.  I love you guys. 

Got scared

Not many things about my Lyme disease scare me, I mean, I've had it and been dealing with it for so long now that there really isn't much that scares me anymore.  But I tell you what, I got seriously scared Thursday.   My daughter's birthday is coming up so I decided to go to the mall to get something that she has been wanting for a while.  I haven't been to the mall in literally about three years.  I parked kinda out in the boonies, you guys that know me know that I drive a huge van that is very hard to park sometimes.  Well, I went to the shop that I needed to and then decided to try out a new place called House of Hoops that sells all basketball stuff, well guess what, it was across the entire mall from where I was.  I thought, no problem, I can walk it.  Well my back was already hurting from standing do long already, but I headed across the mall anyhow.  Got to the House of Hoops store, looked around, started getting tired and decided to leave.  I went from kinda tired and joints hurting a little to crisis situation in the blink of an eye.  All of the sudden everything hurt and my legs felt like they were going to give out any second.  This was so unlike me.  I am usually the kind of person that can go forever, kinda endless energy type person, but I was literally wiped out.  This Lyme disease bull crap has robbed me of any type of endurance at all.  I felt so bad that I thought I was going to have to call my husband to come get me.  I see now why so many people with Lyme disease are in wheelchairs.  It was everything I could do just to get back to my van.   I kept telling myself, you can make it, just a few more steps.  When I finally did get to my van I sat there for a minute just crying and thinking, I can't believe it has come to this.  I can't even walk the entire mall without giving out.  My joints hurt so badly for the rest of the day that my pain pills didn't even touch it.  My daughters were talking about the rodeo and the zoo last night at dinner, and I couldn't help but think to myself, I will never been able to make it through either of those.  I can't walk the rodeo, nor can I walk  the zoo.  I feel so cheated,  like this disease has robbed me of my youthfulness and completely swallowed up my energy.  Something has got to get better soon right?  I am still doing the daily IV infusions or antibiotics.  Every night I sit on the IV for about an hour and a half.  I wonder if others with this disease are going through the same thing?  I'm sure they are.  I am so stubborn though, I WILL NOT let this disease beat me.  I WILL NOT stand for it.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  It seems like everytime I doubt myself, then I take a turn for the worse.  I WILL NOT let this beat me!