Got scared

Not many things about my Lyme disease scare me, I mean, I've had it and been dealing with it for so long now that there really isn't much that scares me anymore.  But I tell you what, I got seriously scared Thursday.   My daughter's birthday is coming up so I decided to go to the mall to get something that she has been wanting for a while.  I haven't been to the mall in literally about three years.  I parked kinda out in the boonies, you guys that know me know that I drive a huge van that is very hard to park sometimes.  Well, I went to the shop that I needed to and then decided to try out a new place called House of Hoops that sells all basketball stuff, well guess what, it was across the entire mall from where I was.  I thought, no problem, I can walk it.  Well my back was already hurting from standing do long already, but I headed across the mall anyhow.  Got to the House of Hoops store, looked around, started getting tired and decided to leave.  I went from kinda tired and joints hurting a little to crisis situation in the blink of an eye.  All of the sudden everything hurt and my legs felt like they were going to give out any second.  This was so unlike me.  I am usually the kind of person that can go forever, kinda endless energy type person, but I was literally wiped out.  This Lyme disease bull crap has robbed me of any type of endurance at all.  I felt so bad that I thought I was going to have to call my husband to come get me.  I see now why so many people with Lyme disease are in wheelchairs.  It was everything I could do just to get back to my van.   I kept telling myself, you can make it, just a few more steps.  When I finally did get to my van I sat there for a minute just crying and thinking, I can't believe it has come to this.  I can't even walk the entire mall without giving out.  My joints hurt so badly for the rest of the day that my pain pills didn't even touch it.  My daughters were talking about the rodeo and the zoo last night at dinner, and I couldn't help but think to myself, I will never been able to make it through either of those.  I can't walk the rodeo, nor can I walk  the zoo.  I feel so cheated,  like this disease has robbed me of my youthfulness and completely swallowed up my energy.  Something has got to get better soon right?  I am still doing the daily IV infusions or antibiotics.  Every night I sit on the IV for about an hour and a half.  I wonder if others with this disease are going through the same thing?  I'm sure they are.  I am so stubborn though, I WILL NOT let this disease beat me.  I WILL NOT stand for it.  I just have to keep telling myself that.  It seems like everytime I doubt myself, then I take a turn for the worse.  I WILL NOT let this beat me!